I’ve had lots of happy moments. I’ve been lucky. But I always think the happiest moment hasn’t happened yet.
Carol Shields, The Republic of Love (via bookmania)

I want to believe i do, i would love to believe, but i believed all last year, i believed in something greater than my self and all i got was an “im sorry” i dont want more shitty excuses, my uglinees has helped me forge myself a little better.

The thing is this: im not a beloved ex, im not even like sexy, im not being kissed by anybody, im not taking pictures of my self in any sexy attitude, in any attitude at all, i believe selfies reveals a need of external acceptance that im not willing to generate. I dont want to be considered pretty by a society that has fuckable as a synonymous of that. I dont make any body feel fuzzy inside, im a rough human being i suffer a lot, but from all the pieces, i have made myself all over again, many times, i ask for acceptance and understanding, i want a mind that shares my view of life and expands it, i want to see the world in so many ways, i want to create, i want better people i want to be the best person i can be, that is the thing.
I feel very sad thought, cause my favorite person is apparently very superficial, and all, and does not love me, everything has said to me that i should trust him, but you is not that i don’t think that he understands me, i think he does, he just doesn’t want me. Im not a great believer of humans, an he most of all has abused the trust i have given to him, him and a pair of other people who i called friends. What really hurts me is the fact i opened up to them and they valued it like shit. And here i am, alone with this horrible sense of betrayal and ugliness like if i deserved it for being who i am, and i don’t think its right. In tired to figure out why these people are so selfish and have treated me this way, i probably let them, but i loved them so, i just wanted them to have everything. And so i have lost my self and its really painful, and they think im overreacting. Its so cruel it might be a joke someday. I just wanted love and found my self in the ground instead.
I have friends thats right, they love me but like friends love each other uninterested and vaguely distant, they are pretty cool but im not a priority and that’s ok. So when i feel like this im here on my own, not that i want to rely and push somebody towards this but would be nice to have someone who cares for your wellbeing and just listens, that is.
I expect to much of people they say, i expect of people as much i expect of myself.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
Neil Gaiman (via observando)
Melancholy thoughts haunted me still. Painful as it was to me, yet I remember I tried as it were to make my thoughts still gloomier and more melancholy. You know people who are vain and not very clever have moments when the consciousness that they are miserable affords them positive satisfaction, and they even coquet with their misery for their own entertainment.
Anton Chekhov, A Wayfarer’s Story. (via fleurstains)